Chichester Deacons 3 Eastbourne 2
by Jammo'ooooo'oAfter the events of last week this week's encounter was a far more sedate affair and hence a more abbreviated report.
Lap dancing
Normsky was unable to play due to a back injury sustained whilst checking out a lap dancing club in Bognor with Doreen. The venue was being checked for the Deacons Christmas party, it is not known how the injury was incurred & unfortunately Doreen could not remember as he was to pre occupied elsewhere reading the lyric sheet to Mamma Mia "Young and sweet only 17 she is the dancing queen".
Unsporting
The Deacons started the stronger of the two teams with the midfield quartet of Lurch, Coxy, Strange and Pacey dominating the game and they were soon creating chances. Eastbourne in turn were indebted to some fine goalkeeping as Pacey, JC and the returning Greek international Christou all went close, before remembering this was vets hockey & it would be terrible unsporting to score too many goals!
Deck chair
In the early exchanges the Deacons defence was hardly called into action and it was show of their dominance that Jammo. Riley, Osborne and Pembery all managed to waltz, into the Eastbourne penalty area. Austin meanwhile managed to get his deck chair out for his afternoon nap, but despite all the pressure the Deacons were unable to score.
Asleep
Then against the run of play Eastbourne were on the attack and the Deacons were indebted to Austin, who obviously had not fallen asleep after all, who made an excellent reflex save to keep the score 0-0.
Deserved a Slap
It was Pacey who gave the Deacons the lead they deserved with a slap/flick from a short corner, this was quickly followed by a 2nd by Christou and @ half time it was 2-0.
Shell shock
The 2nd half started of a something of a surprise for Doreen, firstly he was actually on the pitch and secondly, perhaps for the first time ever, the Deacons had listened to his half time talk, although when asked afterwards no one could remember what he had said! Smithy also rejoined the fray having recovered from his shell shock of the previous week.
Taramasalata
The Deacons continued to enjoy the majority of the game and went three ahead with a superb reverse flick over the keeper that just crept under the bar from Christou. It was a taramasalata of a goal for the Greek expatriate!
Wilt
Just when it looked as though the Deacons would foxtrot away with the game suddenly out of the blue Eastbourne scored. Then a few minutes later Eastbourne scored again and suddenly it was 3-2. Would the Deacons wilt against the resurgent Eastbourne? Fortunately in the last ten minutes the Deacons retained their composure and held onto to a deserved 3-2 victory.
Brighton 2 Chichester Deacons 4
Another guest posting by our Foreign Affairs (South Pole) correspondentThe Deacons had the pleasure of playing Brighton on the North side of the Igor (see note at the end), otherwise know as Stanley Deason with a nice 10am start needless to say it was rather chilly.
Unfortunately Toddy had to drop out @ the last minute injuring his back picking up his handbag on Friday evening, or was it a case of him being unable to get his jimjams off in time for an early start!
Pembery was pushed into emergency centre back in the continued absence of Christine and Woody through injury, with Jammo, Smithy and Osborne, Non Pacey was drafted into the Friars, but Riley was welcomed back following his sabbatical and was pushed into centre midfield with Lurch, supported by Coxy and Strange, with JC and Lerwill upfront.
I think that's a Deacons record Jammo - 12 players mentioned in one sentence. Good effort! Mark
The game started slowly, this was either as a result of the climatic conditions or more probably due simply to old age. Deacons created the first chance with Coxy being denied and JC nearly poaching a goal from a whole 18” off the goal line. At the other end Smithy was getting heavily involved in the game being struck on the head with both the ball and the stick, some say he was dazed and dishevelled but most players did not notice any difference!
Brighton then move up a gear and the Deacons were indebted to a string of fine saves from Austin who obviously benefited from his raw steak prior to the game. Brighton then thought they had scored but after protestation from the Deacon’s defence, ok mainly Jammo, the Brighton striker owned up to not touching the ball in the area. As the first half closed it was Brighton who had the upper hand but @ half time it was still 0-0.
In the second half Kevin (“Doreen”) stripped down to come onto the pitch having finally overcome his large dose of black pudding that he had earlier for breakfast, well luckily most players were blinded by the sun as well the silver hallow (?!..er?) to notice the impact he was going to have on the game later on, Normsky was also brought on to give some fresh legs in midfield.
Brighton were again on the ascendancy Smithy once again took another battering and Austin was in defiant mood thwarting Brighton again and Jammo somehow hooked the ball mid air to prevent what looked like a certain goal, but Brighton’s pressure finally took it’s toll and they went 1-0 up.
At this stage the Deacons looked down & out, Strange re entered the fray, Doreen was ushered up front and Smithy was withdrawn due to shell shock.
Brighton once again thought they had scored again, but as in the 1st half the Brighton striker owned up to not touching the ball in the area, then Strange was suddenly away from his marker bearing down on the goal, he went round the keeper only to be felled by both the keeper & the final defender. In the Deacons hour of need Doreen stepped up to surely put away the resulting penalty stroke 1-1.
Within a minute Doreen was on hand to deflect a shot over the keeper 1-2, then almost straight way he delicately did a reverse flick round the keeper to complete an amazing three minute hat trick 1-3 to the Deacons.
Brighton suffered a bit of shell shock themselves suddenly realising that they had been mugged by the silver haired Doreen and pushed forward for revenge, again the Deacons were on the back foot trying repel wave after wave of forward thrusts, Austin, Coxy, Osborne and Pembery were heroic in their defence but they were unable to prevent Brighton scoring 2-3.
With time running out Brighton searched for the equaliser, Lerch then picked up the ball for some light entertainment and performed his rendition on the dance of the sugar plum fairy on the half way line, but on his third pirouette Brighton spoilt the performance by taking the ball and with in seconds Austin was called into action again, but the ball broke loose and Brighton were left with a free shot on goal when Jammo launched himself @ the ball and somehow managing to prevent the free shot & then crashing onto the pitch like a beached whale, Coxy then cleared the ball to Normsky who immediately released Lerwill who then ignored the shouts to keep possession and crashed the ball past the hapless keeper into the goal, no sooner had the ball gone in that the whistle went for the end of the game 2-4 and a vital victory for the Deacons.
Jammo - I'm glad the final whistle went as your last sentence might still be going - which could have been another Deacons record - a sentence that lasts a whole week. Thanks very much indeed for the report.
No mention of Coxy's hangover- he must have got away with no-one noticing it. I can clarify the situation re Toddy. He woke up and remembered he had retired. Mark.
UPDATE FROM NORMANDOSKI
(Our recently-signed Peruvian international currently working in the UK thanks to his Polish passport)
"His hangover definitely did not get over looked - he never stopped talking about it LOL !!!"
Conclusive proof that Coxy wants to be seen not only as a sensitive artistic and literary type with a penchant for good living, but also as a real man who can take his ale.
ABRIDGED VERSION OF THE ABOVE MATCH REPORT
The Deacons beat Brighton
The weather was cold
Things changed when we put White on
We're all geting old.
Note re Igor
I, like you, may have assumed that our correspondent meant the north face of the Eiger, the well known Alp.
But a quick check with the author confirmed that this is not correct and he meant to convey the impression of playing hockey on the side of one of Dracula's hunchback transylvanian sidekicks. Vivid imagery indeed - and it makes me even more scared of playing at Stanley Deason than I was before.
And yes, I know the photo is of Frankenstein - I couldn't find a picture of Igor quickly.
Chichester Deacons 5 Reigate 4
Guest posting by our Foreign Affairs (Isle of Wight) correspondentThe Deacons welcomed back the prodigal son as skipper Kevin White returned to the fold after his 2 week absence, still shrouded in mystery, but Doreen is still missing!
Reigate were the visitors ably assisted by 3 Deacons renegades in what turned out to be a close encounter of the nerd kind. The Deacons were also able to welcome back the Strange one, Toddy and Normski from injuries and manicures.
In an open and fast flowing game the Deacons scored first when JC “the poacher” turned up at the far post to slip the ball in from all of 3”!
Reigate were quickly on level terms as the Deacons defence performed a biblical performance of the parting of the red sea as Reigate were allowed to progress into the D unmarked or challenged and were grateful to accept a seasonally early gift, but parity was short lived as Lerwill was on hand to guide home a short corner just inside the post.
The Deacons defence carried on pushing forward leaving the forward line in there wake as they forgot any concept of defending whatsoever and led a merry dance much to the consternation of their captain and it was no surprise that Reigate were soon on level terms.
As half time approached Lerwill was on hand to make it 3-2 with a well struck goal to regain the lead for the Deacons.
In the send half Jason scored a cracking goal with a reverse flick from an acute angle that gave the Deacons some much needed breathing space, but the Deacons defence obviously started the spirit of Christmas early as Reigate were allowed to score, before JC also slotted in his 2nd goal to make it 5-3, claiming the shot was from the back of the D, post match analysis though showed the distance as being no more than 12”!
It looked as though the Deacons would coast home, but then Reigate were awarded what appeared to a harsh penalty stroke that they scored from and suddenly Reigate were back in the game 5-4, but the Deacons held on to the lead and the points, much to the relieve of Captain White who will no doubt be concerned that such a charitable performance next week @ home to Oxted will not have the same result.
Worthing 1 Chichester Deacons 4
Guest posting by our Foreign Affairs (Isle of Wight) correspondentIn the continued absence of their captain the Deacons played away to Worthing. Mystery still surrounds the whereabouts of skipper Kevin White, rumours abound of drunken debauchery and late nights, but none of this can be confirmed, but their may be some credence in the rumour that he has been airlifted to the USA to assist John McCain in the American Presidential Election in bringing out the grey vote! At the same time mystery still surrounds the whereabouts of Doreen. Are these events connected or are they mere coincidence?
The Deacons were also missing many key players through injury. Dave Graham made a rare reappearance and the Bognor and Middleton contingent was bolstered by the appearance of Jason Cox.
When the team arrived @ the ground most wondered what on earth they were doing as the pitch was lashed with both the rain & the wind, this was not a game for the faint hearted and slowly the Deacons emerged from their cars to face the challenges that lay ahead.
With a new line up and new faces Deacons started in a disjointed manner, but managed to have most of the play in a even fought contest, but disaster struck after 10 minutes when Woody turned his ankle & had to limp off, it then took time for a message to be relayed to the sub who was sheltering from the elements in his car, but in there hour of need Gary Grant came to the rescue to shore up the defence in desperate times.
As the first half progressed the Deacons started to carve out chances as Skinner started to find his touch & it was the enigmatic Lerwill who made the most of a half chance to give the Deacons the lead, after fine work from both Pembery and Skinner.
At the other end Austin was in no mood to take prisoners moving swiftly off his line to prevent Worthing when they sniffed a chance assisted by some fine defending from Osborne, Smith, Grant and Jammo. In the midfield Graham and Cox made there presence felt, Skinner started to carve open Worthing’s defence with some probing balls (!) and up front JC, Pembery and Lerwill started to link together well. As half time beckoned Lerwill was on hand to give the Deacons the breathing space that they needed with a well executed shot from a short corner 2-0.
The weather did not abate neither did Worthing’s attempts to get back into the game, and tragedy was to strike, Jammo blocked a shot on goal following a short corner only for the ball to skid along the goal line for Smith to back heal into the goal, ala Dennis Law, another former Bognor boy on the score sheet but @ the wrong end 2-1!
Under pressure were the Deacons going to crumble or could they weather the storm, but with in a few minutes of Worthing scoring Lerwill was on hand again to make it 3- 1 & complete his hat trick to cap a vintage performance. From thereon the Deacons started to control the game and Worthing started to fade and with 8 minutes to go it was no surprise when JC popped up @ the far post to make the game safe 4-1 to The Deacons.
Sussex Vets Cup : Southwick 0 Chichester Deacons 3
Guest posting by our Foreign Affairs (Isle of Wight) correspondent
The Deacons were rocked by the disappearance of their team manager and captain, rumours that he was being lined up to replace Harry @ Portsmouth have proved unfounded as has the suggestion that he got lost @ the Worthing beer festival on Friday!
In the absence of their leader and some of the senior players who were insisting that they could not get out of their bath chairs on a Sunday, the Deacons had to call up reserves from the Deacons development squad to play the cup match away to Southwick.
In wet conditions the new look Deacons soon took control of the game, seizing possession from Southwick who were caught out by the speed of play, particularly from the development players marshalled by the appropriately named Pacey, soon had Southwick on the back foot as they were showered with attack after attack with chances falling to Ape, JC & the effervescent Lerwill, but despite the pressure Southwick somehow managed to weather the onslaught with some fine saves particularly by the goalkeeper.
In the end it was the Deacons stalwart Pembery who timed his fun (sic) @ the far post to slip one in from the blind side, then Pacey found his direction and crashed the ball in to the back of the net, it looked as though the flood gates might open but still Southwick fought a rear guard action. Occasionally Southwick ventured over the half way line but their attacks were few & far between and they were repulsed by the steel of Waters, Hughes and Christina.
Jammo - We're all repulsed by them but surely it's a little rude to put this down in black and white - Mark
At half time the score was 2-0 to the Deacons.
In the 2nd half it was a similar story as the Deacons were entrenched in the Southwick half, but although peppering the goal @ times they were guilty of missing their target too often, it was left to the mighty Hughes to rifle in the 3rd goal from a short corner. That was 3-0 and that was how it ended, a satisfactory result but the development squad will find tougher challenges ahead.
DEACONS 0 SEVENOAKS 4
Saturday 11th October 2008Following the success of last week's rhyming prose we have a new poem:
They were like Oaks
We were like Ants
They played quite well
And we were pants.
Thanks to Sharon for these great photos which, let's face it, are the only thing the Deacons got out of the game.
The long arm of JC and a friendly shove in the back.
This top photo of the Chichester goal machine gives a clue to Jacinho's success.
Notice the fire in his eyes, the determination as he strains every sinew, the wonderful dexterity and above all the willingness to foul a man with only one arm
Coxy starts to wonder who took his chair away
Chichester 1 Sevenoaks 0
Ian and Jammo practice the rumba in preparation for their forthcoming appearance on Come Dancing.
While Ian has chosen this stunning yellow number complete with sequined mask, Jammo has yet to make his final decision on what outfit to wear.
Stick tackle ahoy....!
Kevin demonstrates 24 hour underarm freshness while the game moves on.
Mean...
...and moody
I appear to have received a challenge from Jammo: viz
"Hi Mark,
Where is the report from Saturday I am looking forward to reading you rhyming prose? Great result and Lulu in the bar to talk to afterwards!
Cheers
Jammo"
So here I goes wid de rhymin prose......
EG 3 DEACONS 4
You may consider this an incredible score
I didn't believe it either. It couldn't be right
We always keel over without a real fight
So I checked it all out and before long I learned
That bright blood was spilled and brighter passions burned
That the battle was fierce, the afternoon long
That the fight was intense but our resolve was strong
That pride was regained and reputations repaired
Armour applied and sharp fangs were bared
My belief grew stronger as I heard more
Of how we matched them score for score
Of attacks repelled, of chances missed
Of wounds incurred, of our casualty list
And I soon understood that it wasn't a story
I truly believed that we deserved all that glory
I believed the whole thing, I swallowed it whole
I just couldn't believe that Cox scored a goal.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That's all I know, no photos, no jokes.
Next week we're home to Sevenoaks.
Is that enough rhyming prose Jammo?
Or is it truly poetry?
Team: Ian, Bob, Chris, Andy, Paul, Coxy, Neil, Rog, Normando, Christo, Stew, Kev, Ump Chris W
Deacons made to pay for having no Cox
DEACONS 1 TUNBRIDGE WELLS 4
Saturday 4th October 2008The Deacons were made to pay for going into their opening fixture without the steadying hands of Simon Cox and Martin Todd to bolster their defence.
Tunbridge Wells were clearly younger, fitter and generally better than the Chichester Pensioners XI. We had more hair than our opponents, but in all other regards they were superior to us.
Sources close to Deacons manager Kevin White intimated after the match that Tunbridge Wells were the Chichester legend's hot tip for the coveted Sussex Veterans League Title this year.
Grant made his long anticipated official Deacons debut and it was also good to welcome Christo to the Deacons fold.
The Deacons, who were also without injured speedsters Adrian Strange and Clive Lerwill, perked up in the second half, maybe because T Wells got a little tired too.
There were minor triumphs though.
Stuart's long lonely hours in the gym looked to have paid off and he covered a lot of ground. Ian made several brave saves. Bob and Jamooo'oooo both made heroic last gasp goalline clearances. Paul avoided injury.
Jaycinho wasn't at all temperamental and I have no idea why anyone could possibly have suggested that he might have shown any signs of such a trait. The vintage Deacons goal poacher displayed the cunning of a fox, the speed of a gazelle, and the hunting instinct of a leopard. Unfortunately he was too busy doing all these things to have time to score any goals, but hey!, you can't have everything.
Congratulations to the Deacons Development XI on their fine win over Winchester - let's hope they can go one step further than last year and win the Wessex Masters this season.
Congratulations also to King Kev for his half time observation that "if it weren't for the three goals they scored, then we'd be level".
Team. Ian, Smithy, Bob, Jammoo'oooo'oooooo'ooo, Andy, Chris, Houlty, Christo, Grant, Stuart, Woody, Norm, Jaycinho, Kevinho (c). Umpires - thanks to Chris and Kim
Deacons clearout continues as foreign legion arrives
It's all change at the Deacons this year and Deacons supremo "King Kev" White faces a tough task to blend his exciting new blend of international talent into a cohesive unit. It's already known that the demands of face to face communication with so many nationalities is proving a challenge for the old-school White and that he prefers to give his team instructions by text message. Will the highly-strung Deacons legend cope with the demands of such a large and temperamental squad, or will he find it all too much and walk away?
Expectations at Deacons Park are high following the rash of big name transfers in the summer, but a nagging doubt remains. Will it be the same old under-achieving Deacons after all?
Players out
Austin,
Smith,
Cox,
Osborne,
Dean,
James,
Wood,
Riley,
Byrne,
Pembery,
Hoult,
Todd,
Pacey,
Clear,
White,
Strange,
Lerwill (all retired)
Players in
Ostinho (Brazil),
Schmidt (Germany),
Coxi (Spain),
Andrieu (Romania),
Dino (Italy),
Jammo'o (Cameroon),
Rogerio (Argentina),
Bobi (Italy),
Normando (Peru),
M'Beri (Ivory Coast),
Xolti (Spain),
Totti (Italy),
Pacinho (Portugal),
Jaycinho (Brazil),
Kevinho (Brazil),
Adriano (Brazil),
van Loerwill (Netherlands)
Last season
2nd
Prediction
Mid-table
Stop Press:
Deacons rumoured to be signing big money strike duo
Chichester
3 September 2008
Unconfirmed reports from Spain suggest that top veterans side the Deacons are on the verge of signing a big name pair of strikers to augment their challenge for the prestigious Sussex Veterans League title.
Last season the Deacons struggled to settle on their best goal hanging partnership, with a variety of players being tried up front with mixed results.
It now appears that the Deacons are on the verge of a double swoop for Brazilian internationals Jaycinho and Kevinho, who have grown disaffected with the lack of first team opportunities at their current clubs.
While Jaycinho is known to be slightly temperamental and Kevinho doesn't have the searing pace that he had at his best, the double signing could represent a major coup for the Deacons should it go ahead.
In 2007 the Deacons made it to the Isle of Wight. With the new deadly duo, there will be pressure on the Deacons to force their way into Europe next season.
Flush with money
Meanwhile, in a separate development, sources close to Deacons Park revealed that the Deacons funds are in a healthier situation than previously thought.It appears that the team beer kitty has been unexpectedly boosted by the recent improvement in the value of the dollar against the pond. The $10 note which someone slipped unnoticed into the kitty last December has now become worth appreciably more, to the delight of team officials.
It is believed that this new influx of foreign money into the side has enabled this unanticipated foray into the transfer market. Jaycinho and Kevinho are thought likely to smash the tight wage structure at the Deacons.
