We are the Deacons . . . !
Welcome back to the best bunch of hasbeens who have ever graced a hockey pitch - is this an exaggeration? Deacons Monthly Report for October 2010.Last season’s success of second in the league (ahead of Havant Ist Vets XI) means the team, captained by the marvellously bearded Kevin White, began with a swagger not seen since the Ballard’s Walk. Newbury. Retaining the title with three straight wins at the pre-season tournament, our first league game resulted in a 2 – 0 win. Jammo had an inspirational game in the run up to his 50th birthday celebrations. The younger Deacons team kept a clean sheet and got 3 points.
Over 50s National Cup Match. By resting the elder statesmen for the next day’s Over 50s National Cup Match against Guernsey was a good plan. However, after a hard fight and a very enjoyable game, the Chichester 50s+ lost 2 – 1.
A lovely Sunday lunch back at the clubhouse and a few pints later, we all agreed the Guernsey team is a jolly, nice bunch of chaps, and we wish them well for the next round. Ex 1st XI team player, David Wary, from the days when Clive Lerwell and Colin Smith played in the same team and colour photography was still in its infancy, returned to Chichester as a Guernsey player.
Next-up Southampton Vets at home. The previous season, they had come for a draw and got it. So with this in mind, The Deacons strongly intended not to let this happen again, letting them score three in 20 minutes without reply wasn’t quite what we’d planned. A rousing second half and some tactical changes in defence saw a wonderful comeback and a win on the cards at 4 -3. Alas, those pesky-draw-specialists sneaked a fourth with a minute to go. Honours even at 4 – 4.
About the team . . .
I. GK Ian Austin, don’t mention Pompey
II. Sweeper Andy Osbourne, currently on loan to the Friars, but he’ll be back when they have a home game
III. Central defence Chris Deans, pre-season training paid off, he’s managed one full game and ten minutes
IV. Central defence Roger Wood, aka Barbara the Librarian, great party cheers
V. Right back Jammo, don’t know his real name but he is old - great party cheers.
VI. Right back/left half Coxy, fantastic player, won’t have a bad word said against him.
VII. Right back/left half Paul Smith, aka Target, hard to figure how you can get hit by your own player by a ball from 30 yards away and it being your first touch!
VIII. Left half/centre forward JC, still able to walk on water, but not two weeks in a row.
IX. Left half/anywhere on the pitch/centre forward Milts, back from the wilderness that was the three’s. IOW import and can score goals, too.
X. Left half/centre forward Fast Eddie, as he used to be known, aka Bob Marley, he can score goals as well.
XI. Is there anyone who hasn’t played left half?
XII. Right or left half/centre forward Stuart Pembery, aka The Politian, sometimes his words can be misinterpreted ‘you c*** do that’. He can score goals as well.
XIII. Right half Adrian Strange, aka Adrian the Wizz. Only one game this season but what a game.
XIV. Mid fielder/sweeper Big Daddy, aka Martin Hughes, a permanent fixture and masterful flicker, yes I said flicker. What a goal.
XV. Mid fielder/centre forward Clive Lerwell, what a goal, and fit too, I’m glad I don’t have to mark him!
XVI. Mid fielder Neil Pacey, aka The Bionic Knees, back this season and already a hat trick.
XVII. Centre forward/captain Kev White, what a goal. Masterful tactician with ‘the port’, but will Havant ever drink it?
XVIII. Umpire Chris Wood . . . has he been to Spec Savers? Heard saying to Coxy ‘thanks for the advice’, nice words and most appreciated.
XIX. Special editions . . . Danny Jaeger (bet he won’t arrive late for the Deacons again!?). Dave Walters . . . is that man fit? I bet he drinks Carling Black Label. Jason Cox . . . could he manage a second game each season?
XX. Missing from action . . . Bob Riley, less bionic knees and more the bees’ knees. Norman ‘bite yer legs’ Byrne. Grant Skinner, is he holding out for a Rooney deal from Capt Kev?
T h e b i g o n e . . .
Havant Men’s Vets 1st XI away! Following the shenanigans of last season when the diplomatic corps became involved, this was the game to win..A six pointer, playing for pride and all the clichés you wish to add. The Mighty-whitey stunned the oppo with a magnanimous gesture of vintage port and handshakes all round. Two goals up in ten minutes and they realised the sting. Level at two all and we wondered if we should have drunk the port ourselves
But this was to be one of the Deacons finest games. Big Daddy stopped passing square to their centre forward and showed that success doesn’t just stem from his loins. Perhaps the best short corner goal, an inch perfect flick stunned the home side, who never recovered.
Lerwell’s excellent solo effort and superb strike rubbed salt into the wound. Five, yes five Deacons players scored. The game ended at 3 – 5. Of course, there was no gloating, but we did all go back to their club house, where the port remains unopened on the bar, probably still to this day.
Away at Andover Diamonds. Could this be After the Lord Mayor’s Show? It’s always dodgy when the team takes a mini bus and I’m not referring to Ian’s driving! Missing Big Daddy, we had Jaeger and Walters instead - could the pair equal Big Daddy?
Happily yes and we won somewhat convincingly 0 – 9. Bionic Knees scored 3, Mighty-whitey roofed one and scored another, Dave got two, Milts came on for a half and stuck two away. We like Andover, not just because we beat them, but because they are a friendly team. Barbara the Librarian might not agree, but that’s just handbags.
This concludes the Deacons Monthly Report for October 2010. . . winners are grinners and top of the league!
FINALS DAY
END OF SEASON DINNER MENU
You can see the menu for our dinner at the Waterside here
DEACONS 8 SALISBURY 1
Stuart does us all a favour
The P flick king vields his wood in the opposition D for a change.
The result is the same however.
Timberrrrrrrrr!
Adrian's fine shot is blocked on the line by JC, who is hding underneath the keeper's left shoe.
No 13 - unlucky for Coxy on this occasion,
but he scored with a thunderbolt from a yard and a half out five minutes later.
Not a great picture, but the only record we have of JC's wonder goal.
Footage that will become as rare as the cine of bigfoot
or the black and white photo of the Loch Ness Monster in time.
It was a masterpiece of timing, coming a couple of minutes after he had heroicly
blocked Adrian's shot on the goalline while trying to poach a goal that wasn't his.
Coxy looks relieved that Grant has left him alone at last
Clive looked twinkle toed (as did Bob) belying the fact that they have a combined age of 149.
Jammo looked on.
A beautiful move set up Grant to tee off - could he score....?
Of course he couldn't
A NEW SEASON AND ALREADY THE SILVERWARE IS PILING UP
The Deacons tried and tested maxim -
"if you've got twice as many players as the oppo
then you're in with a shout"
This time it was the US Portsmouth trophy that found itself irresistibly drawn into the Deacons groaning trophy cabinet (...or should that have been the groaning deacons trophy cabinet?).
Rumours that one of the Deacons was asked by the authorities to take a sex test after the award of the medals proved unfounded. It was just a leak.
Well done everyone.
NOTES FROM THE 2008-2009 SEASON
This week it looks like Jammo, our intrepid reporter, has gone DEACONS DINNER CRAZY and who wouldn't with the mouthwatering propspect of dinner at the Rainbow less than 7 days away.
Horsham 1 Chichester Deacons 2
Horsham's stern resistance
TREACLE
The Deacons just managed to grab the points in a close game away to Horsham. After the previous weeks game against Lewes that was played at a blistering pace this weeks game had the hallmark of seemingly being played in treacle, this could either be put down to the slowness of the pitch that seemed to stick to your feet or the fact that the Deacons had to wear the heavy away shirts on a hot day.Christine returned to the fray following his tooth ache the previous week and JC managed to get a day pass out of Bognor for good behaviour, the Deacons were also strengthened by Dave Walters “Waterboy” helping out due to a shortage of fully fit players.
JAM-MO
In the early exchanges it was the Deacons who had most of the possession but they were unable to convert the chances that were created, on this occasion no naming of the guilty culprits, whilst @ the other end Austin was able to take it easy as the Deacons defence of Jammo, Ozzy, Woody and Christine snuffed out most of Horsham’s attempts to progress forward.Mid way through the 1st half the Deacons were indebted to Lerwell completely ignoring Jammo’s shouts for a pass and instead rifling the ball into the corner of the net 1-0. But the lead was not to last very long as Horsham broke down the Deacons left and a crashing cross was sent across the Deacons goal, there was nothing either Austin or Christine could do as the Horsham centre forward deflected the cross into the roof of the net 1-1.
The 2nd half had a similar feel to the 1st with the Deacons having the majority of possession but again unable to take their chances meanwhile they were indebted to some timely interceptions to prevent Horsham taking the need.
SPONGE
It was a moment of inspiration that ultimately gave the Deacons the points when Waterboy picked up the ball in his own half and ran @ the Horsham defence, when he got to the Horsham penalty area he did a neat one two with Lerwell and then promptly dispatched the ball to the left hand post past the keeper 2-1. In the remaining time Deacons has further possession but ended up running the clock down to secure the points absorbing the pressure from the Horhsam XI like a sponge.
TART
After the game as part of the accumulator Christine finally got his hands on the coveted shirt for missing the previous weeks game and for his previous lumberjack efforts of the last few games, it was so bad against Brighton (2 flicks against him) that he had actually nominated himself!!
Chichester Deacons 5 Lewes 2
The Umpires decision is final!!
THE APPETISER
On a glorious sunny spring like day Pembers decided to get his red Triumph Stag a run out and drove to the game early to catch up on two of the development players who have been helping out the 3rd XI Weeble (Martin Hughes) and the enigmatic Milts.The sight of seeing two of the development players playing a staring role (I half think Jammo means Starring Role, but I can't be sure as we've all seen that Milts stare when we've not given him the pass he wanted - I think I'll leave it as "Staring") in a cracking game obviously evoked strong passion for Pembers as he said to a rather shocked Sally "I have got a hard on", well when he saw the rather perplexed look on Sally's face and heard her reply "I don't think I really need to know that Stuart" he quickly replied "I meant a hard top for my stag!"
THE STARTER
The Deacons entertained Lewes in top table clash with both sides potentially aiming for the runners up spot to run away leaders Oxted. The Deacons are still suffering the injury jinx that has so affected them this season, but were able to welcome back Grant and new boy Simon Morgan ('Ape').Lewes started the stronger of the two sides and spent the opening exchanges of the game camped in the Deacons half, but the midfield and defence kept Lewes @ bay. As happened against Brighton a few weeks earlier the Deacons scored on their 1St meaningful attack when Walters shot, apparently it was going wide, was deflected by Lerwell with his back to the goal 1-0.
It was not long before Lewes were back on the attack and might have scored once or twice but for a mixture of poor finishing and some timely interceptions, including Jammo clearing off the line from a penalty short corner, but there was nothing Austin could do to prevent Lewes drawing level 1-1.
The game became more open with both sides creating chances but slowly the hard working midfield quartet of Pembers, Grant, Walters and Bianco wrestled to get control of the game, in the case of Grant literally! Pacey also increasingly started to influence the game playing an overlapping right back. Ape and Lerwell looked to poach the lead from the half chances that were created.
Mid way through the half the Deacons took the lead with a neat finish from Pembers 2-1.
For the remaining part of the 2nd half Lewes pressed for an equaliser but the Deacons defence, particularly Ozzy and Woody held firm, although Woody had to find a replacement stick @ half time as his stick became unstuck!
THE MAIN COURSE
Both sides knew that the next goal would be crucial, the Deacons made some tactical changes bringing on Cristo to boost the fire power up front with Ape moving into midfield replacing the hard working Bianco.The Deacons had the push back to start the 2nd half, the ball went to Grant did an overhead out to the right wing for Ape to sprint down the right wing, Ape obviously keen to show his pedigree as a Deacon duly pulled up after a few strides with a groin strain, whereupon Bianco had to return to the fray! Then within a few minutes Cristo was doing one of his mesmerising walking wobbles and he pulled a hamstring, the jinx struck twice within 10 minutes – enter the Wizard White.
Invigorated with the Wizard the Deacons started to control the game with Walters in particular running the show in midfield creating up front and foiling any Lewes counter attacks, Lewes also made the mistake of allowing Pacey time and space to move forward deep into Lewes territory.
It was the hard working Walters who increased the Deacons lead with a well taken chance leaving the keeper no chance 3-1. Shortly afterwards the Wizard just inside the penalty area provide a killer pass for Bianco to run on who duly converted the chance 4-1.
Lewes were in a state of shock suddenly they were 3 goals behind, but they regrouped and started to push forward in numbers to try to get back into the game, again the Deacons were indebted to some good defensive work, but when Lewes broke through the middle with pace and numbers there was little the Deacons defence could do as an excellent move resulted in a goal back for Lewes 4-2.
The Deacons immediately when on the attack and Pacey broke free down the right flank, the ball was passed to Lerwell who shrugged off the Lewes defence drove in the penalty area and bypassed the keeper to find Pacey to make it 5-2.
With time running out the Wizard found himself one on one with the keeper, Lerwell raced into the penalty area to expect the pass, but the Lewes keeper mesmerised the Wizard “look into my eyes, look into my eyes” and simply cleared the ball away from danger. Final score 5-2.
THE DESSERT
After the game the Deacons where understandably in high spirits and the beer flowed so freely even Hoults could sniff the sweet smell of success and popped into the bar to join in.The tricky decision was who receive the coveted T shirt award, it was suggested that perhaps the Wizard should be nominated to which he replied “The Deacons is not a democracy and I am the captain” adding to Woody “it should be you stingy northern git for being so tight as to glue your stick together rather buying a new one”. With tempers starting to fray the umpire was called upon to adjudicate “well I definitely think it should be Kevin” to which Woody responded “the umpires decision is final”! Well done the Wizard one more nomination & he gets to keep the shirt.
THE WASHING UP??
Jammo made no mention of this.
Chichester Deacons 4 Mid Sussex 1
Comedy of errors and Savors delight!!Mid Sussex have had a very difficult season in raising a side, it was to their credit that they travelled to Chichester with 6 players, one of whom (Peter) managed to arrive late just before half time, the balance of their team was supplemented by a number of Chichester players who kindly agreed to help out to enable the fixture to take place.
The Deacons were bolstered by the return of Riley and Coxy after long abscesses (!) plus Target through injury, plus the Waterboy & the legend that is Savors, whereas Mid Sussex had the advantage of some young legs loaned for the day, many thanks to Ash & Tom x 2.
FLURRY
The game began with a flurry of chances that went begging Pacey, Lerwell & JC were unable to convert, Woody had a go but got blocked, Normsky had a go but he also missed. Ash managed to crunch the Wizard much to the Wizards chagrin and Coxy soon slipped into his usual role and played wherever he liked, left back, left midfield, centre midfield and right back all @ the same time or wherever he liked!
HAPLESS
Savors decided that things were getting a bit to comical for his liking so he drove into the area and sent a pass past the hapless Rob Torrence in the Mid Sussex goal to the Wizard who was all of 12 inches from the line, realizing that this was his moment the Wizard decided to show off his nifty stick and started to dribble past an imaginary player only to be foiled by the post that simply side stepped the dribble as the ball went past the post!! The crowd went delirious "shirt shirt" well what a miss a truly awesome performance from Wizard but had tried to steal the show to early only time would tell.
LAUGHTER
Meanwhile whilst most of the team was still falling around in laughter Mid Sussex broke and Tom Proctor rounded Austin and seemed destined to score but Jammo somehow managed to clear off the line yes still 0-0.Savors clearly learnt his lesson amd decided he would have to do all the work himself as the next chance he had he made no mistake 1-0. The Deacons then pulled further ahead when Savors scored again to make it 2-0 just before half time, he was clearly enjoying his debut for the Deacons no doubt somewhat in awe of the performance of his team mates who were playing with the panache of the Keystone Cops including Fatty Arbuckle!
The 2nd half started with Mid Sussex being on top and they went close before Proctor grabbed a goal back 2-1. With Coxy off the pitch it was Woody who borrowed his shoes as he decided it was time to play “Runaround”.
It was now Mid Sussex who were now in the ascendancy, but Pacy lifted the mid field with Waterboy as the Deacons slowly but surely started to take control of the game again. Pacy had a chance to make it 3-1 but we was wide but a few minutes later all was forgiven, well almost, as he deftly left Normsky with the simplest of chance 3-1.
SUGAR PLUM FAIRY
Mid Sussex were not finished & perhaps should have pulled a goal back but the Deacons defence held firm with Christine in no mood for hand bagging today helped by the ever resilient Austin in goal. Ash then tried to do a bit of wizardry of his own as he pirouetted into the Deacons penalty area with the aplomb a sugar plum fairy and then doing his own variation of a dying swan as he collapsed by the end of the pitch much to the Deacons amusement, well like father like son they say!At the other end the Wizard pushed out a short to Normsky who seeing his opportunity for glory flicked the ball straight up in the air with no forward momentum “shirt shirt” bayed the crowd, then a few minutes late Coxy managed to flick the ball onto the crossbar. The Deacons eventually went further ahead when Lerwell scored after a save by the keeper from a short corner that may have been a little high 4- 1.
With time running out the Deacons broke again with 3 onto 2, Normsky pass to Wizard was saved by the keeper that then fell to Jammo who instead of shooting @ goal passed the ball to Grant, well in normal circumstances this would have been a wise move apart from the fact he was playing for Mid Sussex @ the time!
EPILOGUE
After the game there were many nominations for the shirt, it was a tough call, ok it was not really, luckily the Wizard’s twin sister Doreen was on hand to award him the shirt, what a performance indeed.
CALLING ALL DEACONS - END OF SEASON DINNER
You are formally invited to the end of season dinner.To be held at the Happy Medium,(The Rainbow), St Pauls Road Chichester.
Partners invited
Saturday 4th April (8pm)
COST £25 with deposit preferred
Please confirm ASAP with Kevin White 07711 406 966
COMPETITION TIME
Yes, it's time for another all-expense spared Deacons Competition with the lucky winner getting the chance to go on a no-expenses paid trip of a lifetime to Horsham, renowned as one of the top ten places to live in the whole of the UK, according to Channel 4.Following on from our popular long running Deacons quizzes, Whose Arse is it Anyway and The Weakest Drink, all you have to do is, quite literally, SPOT THE WOBBLER in the photo below.
The first person to tell Mark the correct answer will win a guaranteed trip to Horsham, with luxury transport, entertainment at a top sports event and a meal provided, together with a chance to meet some of the stars of the Deacons, many of whom will also be enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of Broadbridge Heath, one of the most exclusive districts of Horsham - jewel in the so-called Mid-Sussex Riviera.
It's that easy.
And remember...Good Luck
DRUGS TEST FOR TARGET?
Eastbourne 1 Chichester Deacons 2
The Deacons were decimated by illness, injury and absence as there were only 7 of the normal squad available for the away game in Eastbourne and some those were carrying injuries.In a time of great need the Deacons were grateful to the effervescent Bianco (Peter Ross) agreeing to make his first appearance for 3/4 seasons and to both Cristo and Stef Boyd (goalkeeper) dusting down their passports to get early leave of absence from the Isle of Wight.
It was an early start for the IOW duo as they had to catch the 8.15 catamaran to Portsmouth, and for Pembers for being a star for agreeing to travel from Chi to Portsmouth to collect and deliver to the game in Eastbourne, a mere 150 mile round trip!
The Deacons were also grateful to Dave G once again agreeing to help out when the need required.
Eastbourne have had difficult season but they were buoyed by a near full strength team. The Deacons meanwhile had to somehow cobble together a formation from the players available, so it was very much a new look Deacons who started the game.
It was against expectation that the Deacons dominated the early exchanges with the mid field quartet of Bianco, DG, Lerwell and Woody dominating the game playing some fine one touch hockey and creating chances for both Pembers and Cristo even a swipe for DG, but to no avail as opportunities were either spurned wide were saved by Dave Hatherway in goal for Eastbourne. Lerwell tried to redress the balance as he surged into the Eastbourne D and let go a rasping drive but only to fly by the far post.
With so much domination the Deacons wing backs were also able to push forward in particular Target who was quite often seen popping up in the Eastbourne D either that or he started @ the wrong end (see below)!
Fortunately Stef was able to use the deck chair left behind by Austin in Christine’s car as he became a virtual passenger in the first half.
For all the Deacons domination they only scored when Lerwell converted from the penalty spot after an Eastbourne foot on the line 1-0 the Deacons, but there were to be no more score prior to h/t when perhaps there should have been 4.
In the 2nd half Eastbourne tinkered with there formation and suddenly in a complete change round it was the Deacons on the back foot, Christine, Ozzy and Jammo were having a busy time, meanwhile Target decided that he would swap with Woody as he suddenly became a man possessed seemingly covering nearly each midfield position simultaneously, perhaps it was a case of 2nd wind or was the elicit substance that he drank before the game claiming it to be no more than Turkish tea!
The Deacons were pushed back defensively relying on the counter attack mainly @ the instigation of Target, but also by Bainco and Pembers as and when they could. Cristo remembered his previous taramasalata goal against Eastbourne earlier in the season and tried two audacious flicks, one that just more or less went straight up in the air and was cleared by the keeper, but the second looked as though it might sneak under the bar was cleared off the line by Eastbourne’s Jeremy.
Eastbourne continued to exert pressure and their were many fine tackles and last minute interceptions particularly from the reliable Ozzy, Christine and Woody, but mid way through the half Eastbourne drew level with a cross from the right that hit first time (Nigel – no not Harper) leaving Stef with no chance 1-1.
At this stage the game could have gone either way, Lerwell broke through and thought there should have been another flick that was cleared off the line, was it foot or stick who knows. At the other end Stef pulled off a crucial/excellent save to prevent Eastbourne going ahead, then Nigel scuffed another chance wide.
As the game came to its conclusion tempers started to flare and tackles started crunch as both teams tried to secure victory. Bianco broke through on the 25 beat the last defender and crashed the ball just the wrong side of the post, so near and so far!
With time running out the Deacons were awarded a penalty corner Cristo stopped the ball and shot, the ball seemed to take a deflection off the advancing Eastbourne defender but wrong footed the Eastbourne keeper and crept inside the post 2-1 the Deacons.
Eastbourne were not finished yet and again pushed forward but the Deacons defence held firm. The Deacons counter attacked and Cristo went for the acute angle but only succeeded finding the side netting, a cross would left DG with an open goal but fortunately Cristo saved the Kiwis blushes!!
The Deacons were relieved when the final whistle went to secure a 2-1 victory, this was not a day of individual performance but of a magnificent team effort when every player worked for each other and the team “we could be heroes just for one day!”
WHAT A HOWLER
Chichester Deacons 5 Brighton Vets 2
The Deacons found themselves in perhaps the most intriguing game of the season so far in a real end to end ding dong of a match, played at a frenetic pace on a gloriously sunny spring like day.
Brighton were strengthened by the dynamic trio of Swampy, Scotty and Ramzy, whereas the Deacons had the legendary Grant kindly agreeing to play despite having a manicure earlier in the day and the return of Normsky from his recent moon walk (yes he is “bad”)!
The first 10 minutes of the game saw Brighton pushing forward with the Deacons unable to break out of their own half, time and time again Brighton were repulsed by the defence of Jammo, Ozzy and Target (Smiffy) while Christine took the opportunity to do some logging “timber”, when the wall was breached Austin pounced cat like to clear up the mess. The Deacons were also indebted to the hard work of Riley, Normsky and Pacey as they tried to wrestle the vice like grip from Brighton.
It was against the run of play that Grant picked the ball on the half way line and drove towards the Brighton penalty area, a little side step then a shimmer and he was left with only the Brighton stand in keeper to beat, none other than Chi’s own Rob Torrance, surely Rob would not fall for the Grant wobble but a quick dummy and another wobble and it was 1-0 to the Deacons.
Brighton immediately continued as they had done previously to press the Deacons goal, Jammo saved on the line from a short corner and Target plucked a certain goal off the line, but Brighton did eventually draw level when Austin was blind sided from the back of the D 1-1.
Jammo found Normski on the left and fine run nearly resulted in the poacher JC almost scoring. The Deacons where soon on the attack again and Grant side stepped the Brighton keeper, who had now arrived, to leave Pacey with an open goal 2-1 to the Deacon, no but with most of the team celebrating the lead Pacey managed to fire past the post “what a howler!”.
Grant by this time obviously aghast @ what he had just seen quickly spared Pacey’s blushes with one of his hallmark strikes from a short corner that followed shortly afterwards 2-1, but Brighton were not going to give up lightly and it was 2-2 by half time.
The Deacons made some tactical substitutions in the 2nd half as they pushed forward searching for the lead, however Brighton continued to look dangerous on the break, Pacey made up for his earlier mistake (well almost!) as Grant again left him with an easy chance 3-2 Deacons. Brighton upped their work rate and game started to open up with chances falling to both sides, for the Deacons Austin was very nimble on his feet as he made numerous save/ timely interceptions to thwart Brighton. At the same time the Deacons also had chances, perhaps not as many as Brighton and they were grateful than Pembers was on target to make it 4-2.
Brighton did not give up and they continued to push forward and with 10 minutes left they were awarded a penalty flick,could this be Brighton’s chance to get back in the game, no as Austin launched himself to his left to head the ball off the line “I didn’t feel a thing” was Austins comment afterwards!
The Deacons then sealed the game when Grant, who continued to be a thorn in the side of Brighton all game, slotted home his third 5-2, but the drama was not over as another penalty flick was awarded to Brighton in the dying seconds but again Austin was there to save the day, so a game that could have been 5-5 was in fact a victory for the Deacons 5-2.
Deacons in the buff!!!
Oxted 5 Chichester 2
As the season has progressed the Deacons have seen the squad being plagued by injuries, absentees and retirements!Although kept secret by senior members of the team Coxys Court appearance did not go well after being arrested by the style Police. Despite pleas in mitigation from The Sly Fox, nattily in his finest attire including a buff, the bench felt that as Coxy was an habitual offender that he had to be dealt with in the most severe manner and he was sent to the penal colony (Australia) for three weeks for corrective treatment. On his return the team will be having a cross dressing cocktail party (yes that was one of Coxys ideas!).
The Sly Fox’s cunning plan was further foiled when Toddy was unavailable due to work commitments in the USA, Pembers away skiing incontinent and Grant/Riley both out injured, was this going to be the day when the Sly Fox pulled the rabbit out of the hat or not?
The game started very evenly with the midfield of Pacey, Graham, Normsky and Woody raising their game to meet the challenge of the younger opposition mid field, chances were hard to come by for either side but it was the Deacons who took the lead when JC calmly put a way the chance that came his way.
Oxted fought back and despite stout defending they managed to draw level from a short corner that beat Jammo (no change there then!) on the line. Then worse was to come when Oxted scored from another short corner 2-1 Oxted.
The Deacons then drew level after a thumping cross from Graham was stopped by JC and then clinically flicked past the advancing keeper, but then with minutes left to half time Oxted grabbed the lead again 3-2.
The 2nd half was always going to be difficult with the Deacons pushing forward to an equaliser and being hit by Oxted on the break. As in previous weeks Smiffy was the walking target being hit in the shin on the ankle and then just bundled over for good measure, meanwhile Lerwell also upended a Oxted guy and reminded him “it’s a mans game”.
The Deacons were unable to create many clear chances and wasted a few short corners, on one occasion three in a row, despite some last minute defending by the dynamic duo (Christine and Ozzy) Oxted scored their 4th when Sabres riffled a flick into the roof of the net, late on Austin made a fine save only for the ball to be given away for Oxted to score a few seconds afterwards 5-2.
With time running out Smiffy was obviously concerned about the prospect of an early shower so he left the field early!
Oxted deserved the victory but the score was perhaps a little flattering in the end.
A special word must be said for the Sly Fox who stayed on the sidelines for the whole of the game cajoling and encouraging the team in his buff but making sure he joined in the shower afterwards!
Chichester 5 Worthing 0
Worthing have been struggling in getting a side out this season, but to their credit they managed to get a side together to fulfil the fixture rather than conceding. The Deacons were nonetheless too strong for Worthing as they seized control of the game early on and by half time the Deacons were 3-0 up.In the 2nd half the Deacons took the foot off the accelerator & rested some key players, but still managed to score to further goals, as well as missing a hat full more!
Worthing perhaps on balance deserved a goal as they certainly put a lot of effort into a losing cause but perhaps their sights were looking towards the Sussex Cup Semi Final game that was due to take place the following day.
Pacey picked up a well earned hatrick, Grant smashed in his obligatory short corner and Lerwell scored the remaining goal.
Lewes 1 or 2 Chichester Deacons Development XI 8 or 9
Unfortunately your intrepid reporter was unable to attend this semi final clash in the semi final of the Sussex Vets Cup and he has had to rely on a number of versions of what happened & even a variety of scores!
The Senior Deacons were rested for the game @ Lewes as part of their youth policy to bring players forward for forthcoming seasons although there were a few old hands around to guide the youngsters along namely Pembers, Osborne and the Silver Fox.
And Norman would like point out that he provided two of the oldest hands to be seen.
By the way, sources close to top management at Deacons Lane indicated last night that, despite his lack of game time, Norman remained "very much in our thoughts for selection" and "definitely a special Deacons talent for the future"..
After the game the Silver Fox claimed the score was 9-1, but other reports indicated the score was 8-2! As for the scorers this has been kept a closely guarded secret, no doubt the Silver Fox being concerned as the transfer window was still open, although he let slip that Pembers grabbed a pair. There was also a vicious, indeed some might say malicious, rumour that with a few minutes left that the Silver Fox missed a penalty but surely of all the stories to come out of this game this is the least likely to be true!!!
Sevenoaks 3 Chichester Deacons 1
The Deacons always knew that it would be a difficult game away to Sevenoaks & so it proved to be.The game started very evenly with perhaps the Deacons enjoying the majority of possession, but neither side was able to create any clear chances, but after around 15 minutes Sevenoaks broke down the right the ball was smashed into the D and was deflected by the Sevenoaks centre forwards neatly into the far right hand corner of the goal leaving Austin with no chance of saving the goal, it was a cracking goal it was just a pity that for the Deacons it was @ the wrong end!
Then with a few minutes before half time the Deacons were unlucky to have a penalty corner awarded against them and then to make the feeling of injustice a little more unpalatable Sevenoaks scored with a fine strike from the back of the D, leaving the Deacons 2-0 @ halt time.
In the 2nd half the Deacons raised there game & were unlucky not to be awarded a penalty flick when the Silver Fox was lumberjacked by the Sevenoaks keeper. Then Sevenoaks scored again with another deflected strike from outside the D in a crowded penalty area that again left Austin with no chance.
As the game progressed to it’s conclusion there was to more drama as Smiffy was polaxed by a free hit that cannoned into his knee, it was indeed a Oscar winning performance managing to convince both sides of a serious injury, getting a lift of the pitch, engaging a considerable amount of sympathy from both sides, but then managing to walk out of the changing room after his shower as though he had not been injured @ all!!
With Smiffy off the pitch the Deacons were able to play some real hockey & the Silver Fox achieved the equivalent of football's overhead kick to pull a goal back to make the final score 3-1. On the play Sevenoaks deserved their victory but the Deacons were left feeling that they didn’t get the rub of the green.
BINKS EXTRAVAGANZA
Caption Competiton - all answers will be published
The Bad Habits took a leaf out of the Deacons tactical handbook to select a powerful squad of 17 for the match...
...while the Deacons handed a rare home start to Little Norm (front row, left). The pressure caused by accidentally organising two fixtures which took place simultaneously (doh! see Havant, below) meant that the Deacons were down to the bare bones of their extensive squad.
Grant managed to keep his tongue in his mouth for most of the time
Super zoom close up of that tongue
And despite being the only umpire, Barnesy kept commendably close to the action.
The play ebbed backwards and forwards, from end to end. There were never more than 4 goals in the match at any point and it's a miracle that the Bad Habits never gave up on a belief that they would drag themselves back into contention. Here, Tracey gets things moving in midfield
JC runs into a Bad Habits cul-de-sac and gets muscled off the ball
and Kim sways out of the way as Stuart attempts to decapitate her
TODDY "You know Becca, I reckon I've got the hariest legs in the Deacons. Would you care to take a look at them for yourself? What do you mean, no?"
Either:
(a) Kev extends a sympathetic hand of support as the Bad Habits put one past Ian
(b) A friendly shove in the back when the umpire isn't watching; or
(c) Perv
You decide
Either:
(a) Kev extends a sympathetic hand of support .....
(b) A friendly shove in the back when the umpire isn't watching; or
(c) Perv
You decide
A draw seemed the only appropriate result and the trophy was therefore shared. Here Chris Riley accepts the Bad Habits share of the trophy, although her mind must have been on sick husband Bob, who was ill at home on his birthday. Many thought the Bad Habits unlucky to only have a share in the trophy - a controversial late winner scored by the Mad Habits was disallowed by umpire Andrew Barnes, who ruled that it had been scored moments after he had blown the final whistle. So 5-5 it was. A veritable feat of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct which made you proud to Remember You're a Deacon. As well as Deaconing Free, a Deaconing Christmas, A Deaconing Song, Deaconing White Tie and Tails and all the other hits from those lovable litter-collecting furry fellows, the Deacons.
DEACONS QUIZ
Is long standing Deacons captain Kevin White called "Snowy" by some of his team mates (mainly Jammo) because of his:
(a) lovable thatch of fluffy white hair
(b) reputation as a man of snow white integrity and sportsmanship
(c) habit of melting away in difficult matches; or
(d) dandruff?
Chichester Deacons 3 East Grinstead Saints 2
The Deacons returned from the Christmas break with a home game against EG who were strengthened by a few of their team being provided by their 1st XI Veterans side whose game had been cancelled - in fact the Saints had actually cancelled the game initially only to reinstate when more players became available.
After some month’s absence, due to breaking his toe answering the telephone (yes that is honestly what he claims!) the Deacons were able to strengthen their defence with the return of Christine who soon slipped back into his usual position. The Deacons were also boosted by the return of the midfield maestro (not a reference to a clapped out old car I hasten to add) Grant having @ last returned from ignominy, or was that injury.
In the absence of Neil “non” Pacey the Deacons were pleased to welcome Mark Pacey from the Development squad into the side although he seemed to be carrying a back injury or perhaps it was just the frenetic pace of the game that left him bewildered!
The first half was a very evenly fought game with chances for both sides hard to come by, EG were grateful for an excellent double save by their skipper and keeper Chan from Pembers and & the other end Austin also made an excellent save when it looked as though EG were going to go ahead, Coxy made some fine last minute interceptions, then later on Smithy, playing as a dynamic mobile centre forward, just failed to connect with a fierce cross with the goal beckoning.
With seconds running out to half time the Deacons were awarded a penalty corner that Grant struck hard a low to the right hand corner that deluded the diving Chan 1-0, no sooner had the teams walked back to the half way line as the whistle went for half time.
In the 2nd half EG started to push forward in numbers pinning the Deacons in their own half, after 15 minutes the Deacons failed to clear and in the resulting short corner EG score 1-1.
Within a few minutes the situation became worse when Coxy had one of those ginger moments complaining outside the 23 metre line and then inside resulting in EG being awarded a penalty corner from which they score 1-2 EG.
The game went up a gear as The Deacons tried to get level with chances falling to Pacey and Grant, EG had more possession but with the Silver Fox and Pacy up front the Deacons always looked dangerous on the counter attack.
With defeat looming Pacey broke free with a fine fun @ EG and a perfectly balanced pass saw Smiffy one on one with the keeper Chan, his fellow Deacons held their breath what would Smiffy do, much to everyone’s amazement Smiffy cleared the keeper with the aplomb of Cristiano Ronaldo and the ball screamed into the back of the net 2-2.
Then a few minutes later the Deacons very own smash and grab were @ it again, Pacy ran @ the EG defence and slipped the ball to the side of Chan to leave Smiffy with open goal that gleefully converted 3- 2 the Deacons.
As in the first half no sooner had Smiffy scored that the umpires blew for time and the end of an entertaining encounter that say the Deacons just edge the victory 3-2.
DEACONS QUIZ
Is long standing Deacons captain Kevin White called "The Silver Fox" by some of his team mates (mainly Jammo) because:
(a) of his lovable thatch of fluffy silvery hair
(b) he has a deserved reputation as a man of immense goalscoring cunning
(c) he lives in a hole in the woods; or
(d) he enjoys rummaging through dustbins at night?
Havant Vets 2 Chichester Deacons Renegades 5
by JammoThe Renegades were struggling to get a side together to play for prestigious The Louis Latour Toilet Seat Trophy (as modelled by Mark Hoult- see photo below) against Havant as 4 players dropped out the day before the game a mixture of illness, injury and work.
The trophy had not been played for between the clubs for a number of years, in fact the existence of the trophy only came to light after the game when a Havant Cavalier recalled that the trophy had gone missing from the Havant club house some years ago, but a few texts later and the trophy has come to light.
The Renegades were able to welcome back some former stalwarts of the Deacons in Milts, Graham, Lulu and Gary G, this was supplemented by Mark P (“Pacey”) and Dave W from the Deacons development side, along with Osborne, Neil P (“non Pacey”), Jammo and the ever green Martin H, plus a special appearance from the IOW of goalkeeper Stef Boyd. The Renegades were also indebted to Paul Gordon who kindly agreed to umpire @ short notice.
On a cold crisp day the Renegades started 1 short as Gary G was late due to a dodgy stomach, or he was warming up the trophy for the later presentation? There were small areas of the pitch that were still frozen following the overnight frost that saw a few players lose their footing in a Bambi like fashion , but fortunately no one got injured.
The Renegades started the stronger with the midfield quartet of Non-Pacey, Pacey, Martin H and Dave W who maintained the spirit of Christmas being scrooge like in keeping the ball away from Havant and then releasing the dynamic duo of Milts and Lulu, but despite the early pressure the first goal did not arrive until after 15 minutes when Lulu found himself free in the D and scored with a certain amount of panache depositing the ball in the corner goal well out of the reach of the Havant keeper.
Havant struggled to push forward as they were pinned back and any attempts were marshmallowed away from the Renegades goal by the defensive trio of Osborne, Graham and Jammo, plus Gary G when he arrived. Havant then failed to clear a 16 that was intercepted Martin H who then did a weeble like dribble (surely wobble - ed? Weebles Dribble but they Don't Fall Down? Sounds like my plan for my retirement years. Anyway, back to the hockey..) round the Havant defence to make it 2 – 0. The Renegades then turned on the style and there were some fine fluent moves but they were unable to increase the score by half time.
In the 2nd half the Renegades increased there lead through Dave W, but then Havant started to push forward and against the run of play it was 3-1. The Renegades were then under pressure and the were indebted to some fine keeping from Stef B to keep Havant @ bay, then the Renegades went further ahead with a fine finish form Non- Pacey 4-1, but Havant did not give up heart and soon they pulled another goal back 4-2.
With time running out Dave W completed a brace to make the final score 5-2. (This seemed an unusual time to practice his dentistry skills, but still, there's more than one way to win a hockey match.)
Mid Sussex 3 Chichester Deacons 1
by your correspondent, JamocchioIn the final game prior to the Christmas break Snowy White and the seven dwarfs made there way to Mid Sussex, the rest of the team made there own way to the game by alternative means.
MUG
The Deacons cunning plan to mug a few points off Mid Sussex came to grief quickly when it was realised that both Sleepy (Jammo) and Happy (Pembery) arrived without any shorts! To disguise the valuables Sleepy wore a night shirt and Happy wore his socks out side of his tracksuit bottoms looking like a vintage golfer from yesteryear.
NO MIND
Mid Sussex were in no mind to show any Christmas charity or to join in the pantomime spirit in a side that was stronger than normal. Snowy White could see that his merry crew were in for a strenuous test.
SPILLAGES
In the first half the Deacons matched Mid Sussex in a competitive duel with both side jousting each others defences in a hard fought battle. The Deacons midfield of Grumpy (Pacey), Bashful (Graham), Dopey (Coxy) and Sneezy (Lerwill) fought tooth & nail, the defence of Wicked Witch (Smithy), Prince Charming (Osborne) and Doc Riley also showed their steel, but Sleepy’s primary concern was to avoid any spillages on the pitch & to look after his valuables! In goal the Jolly Green Giant (Austin) was in a carnivorous mood.
CUNNING
Up front Auntie Ethel (JC) was his usual bustling self (well it was pantomime season so what did you expect!) and Happy was his normal cool debonair self gently slipping into position without being noticed, no doubt helped by his cunning golfing disguise.
The Deacons were awarded a number of penalty corners, but they failed to get any clean strikes on goal until mid way through the half and Happy putted a 10 footer, 1-0 the Deacons.
SUSPICION
As half time approached the Deacons were under pressure and suddenly Mid Sussex broke through, Doc Riley intervened valiantly to prevent a goal, but he could not prevent a goal that was scored off a rebound off the post with a suspicion of feet to assist 1-1.
FOOLED
In the second half the younger legs of Mid Sussex started to gain the ascendancy & it was no surprise that they went ahead 2-1. The Deacons continued to fight bravely in adversity and thought they were going to draw level when Dopey’s miss hit almost fooled the Mid Sussex keeper, but then rather than being level the Deacons found themselves 3-1 down as Mid Sussex immediately counter attacked.
GRUMPY
With time running out tempers started to flare & the game showed no seasonal goodwill between the sides. The Deacons in the end were well beaten although they left the field of play feeling Grumpy! - did Grumpy have anything to say about this?
Captain's note
No - I will not accept payment of any outstanding match fees from this match in the form of Magic Beans.
Chichester Deacons 5 Horsham 2
by your correspondent, Dunno
PLAGUED
The Deacons were once again plagued by the missing link virus as Lurch was unable to play/did not arrive. The starting line up was further complicated by the late arrival of Jammo due to inclement weather conditions crossing the Solent from the IOW, although some might say that was a blessing in disguise!
KNACKERED
The game started @ a frantic pace with a high level of skill and end to end stuff. Well that’s what the Isle of Wight reporter was told on his arrival, no doubt knackered by the blistering pace & skill of the first 15 minutes the game had slowed down to a more conventional pedestrian pace on the reporters arrival.
TOFFEE
According to the Deacons keeper Austin Steamroller “we have had ninety percent of the play and we can't score for toffee, it won’t surprise me if they score”. Well prophetic words indeed as a few minutes later Horsham went ahead 0-1 as Steamroller was blindsided by an articulated lorry!
HADDOCK
After last week's heavy defeat away to Lewes how would the Deacons react, well within a few minutes later they were level with a delicate flick from Snowy following a pass from Tin Tin after a good run from Captain Haddock.
FLAMBOYANT
Smithy then had to then leave the fray as he had once again been in the firing line again this time injuring his big toe, or was it just a case of foot and mouth, to be replaced by Jammo playing an unaccustomed left back but playing in his normal flamboyant style - more a case of Dunno than Jammo. Yes he was normally ahead of the left midfield in his insatiable drive to get in the Horsham penalty area and as usual to nil effect.
BUCKET
With in a few minutes later the Deacons were ahead when JC was on hand at the far post to poach another goal from all of 5” another “long shot kicky bucket”!
GAY
The Deacons continued to control the game with the added steel of “no prisoners” Lerwell and the non pace, but guile and skill of Pacey supported by “I am the only gay in The Deacons” Coxy and the speed of Strange.
VIOLENT
Pacey then drilled a violent uppercut of a shot in to the roof of the Horsham net to make the score 3-1, the shot was hit with such ferocity that it almost looked as though the Horsham keeper was only too pleased to let it pass.
THIRST
In the second half the Deacons again had the majority of play to such an extent that Osborne and Pembery took the opportunity to get some practice in for the next celebrity come dancing waltzing forward towards Horsham’s penalty area. Horsham were indebted to some fine goalkeeping to rebut the attempts from the Deacons to increase the score, but nothing could stop Snowy in his thirst to be the side’s top scorer as he scored twice to complete his second hat trick of the season so far.
MARSHMALLOWED
Horsham’s forward advances were few and far between and in the absence of any central defence Riley and Steamroller marshmallowed Horsham’s attack, but with 5 minutes to go Horsham pulled back a consolation 2nd goal to leave the final score 5-2 to the Deacons.